Yesterday, it was five years since you passed away. I had some things to say that have been on my mind these years. I know it’s been a while, but I wanted to let you know that I still miss you. I also wanted to let you know that I’m so sorry. I know I didn’t call or write as often as I should have those last few years before you passed away. I have no excuse that I can offer that would be good enough. I was wrong. I should have called. I should have called every day. In some ways, I guess it’s because I thought you were timeless – you were Grandma, how could you die? Of course, the other side is – perhaps it was a misguided attempt to distance myself when part of me knew that you were dying. I know I had difficulty facing the reality of your growing frailty. I will always regret that that I failed to keep in closer contact with you when I had the chance.
I wish I’d been more patient with you, Grandma. I know that you found comfort in a renewed faith in Christ, and I’ll admit, it made me uncomfortable that you would push me to do the same. But I shouldn’t have let it keep me from talking to you. I should have understood that you needed the warmth of belief to help you accept the certainty of your life closing, and that you wanted to share it with me. I can’t say I wish I’d been more receptive – because I’m happy in my belief system, but I do wish that I’d listened to you talk about your beliefs more, since they had become so important to you.
I got married, Grandma. I wish you could have been there – that you could meet him. I think you’d like him. He’s kind, patient, and incredibly smart. He’s taught me so many things, Grandma. He and I are partners, in a way I never would have thought I could have. He makes me a better person.
Your great-grandaughter is a teenager now, and so beautiful. In some ways, she’s so much like me at that age that it’s eerie – but in others, she’s just so much better. We fight sometimes, you know how it is – but overall, we have a close relationship. I’ve worked hard to try to keep it that way. I wish you could see her now Grandma. She just barely remembers you – she was so little the last time we visited. It hurts my heart to realize that those little snippets and a few fading photographs are all she has to remember you by.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Grandma. That I couldn’t be there, when you passed from this life to the next. I was going through a difficult period, and I just didn’t have the money to buy a plane ticket to come. I wish that I could have. I wish that I could have been there with you. I will always regret that I wasn’t there to hold your hand, and kiss your cheek one last time.
I miss you.
I hope that the next life blesses you with as much love as you had in this one.