Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Yesterday, it was five years since you passed away. I had some things to say that have been on my mind these years. I know it’s been a while, but I wanted to let you know that I still miss you. I also wanted to let you know that I’m so sorry. I know I didn’t call or write as often as I should have those last few years before you passed away. I have no excuse that I can offer that would be good enough. I was wrong. I should have called. I should have called every day. In some ways, I guess it’s because I thought you were timeless – you were Grandma, how could you die? Of course, the other side is – perhaps it was a misguided attempt to distance myself when part of me knew that you were dying. I know I had difficulty facing the reality of your growing frailty. I will always regret that that I failed to keep in closer contact with you when I had the chance.

Purple Sweet Pea Flowers Detail'

I wish I’d been more patient with you, Grandma. I know that you found comfort in a renewed faith in Christ, and I’ll admit, it made me uncomfortable that you would push me to do the same. But I shouldn’t have let it keep me from talking to you. I should have understood that you needed the warmth of belief to help you accept the certainty of your life closing, and that you wanted to share it with me. I can’t say I wish I’d been more receptive – because I’m happy in my belief system, but I do wish that I’d listened to you talk about your beliefs more, since they had become so important to you.

Pink Sweet Pea Flowers Detail'

I got married, Grandma. I wish you could have been there – that you could meet him. I think you’d like him. He’s kind, patient, and incredibly smart. He’s taught me so many things, Grandma. He and I are partners, in a way I never would have thought I could have. He makes me a better person.

Your great-grandaughter is a teenager now, and so beautiful. In some ways, she’s so much like me at that age that it’s eerie – but in others, she’s just so much better. We fight sometimes, you know how it is – but overall, we have a close relationship. I’ve worked hard to try to keep it that way. I wish you could see her now Grandma. She just barely remembers you – she was so little the last time we visited. It hurts my heart to realize that those little snippets and a few fading photographs are all she has to remember you by.

Lilac Sweet Pea Flowers Detail'

I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Grandma. That I couldn’t be there, when you passed from this life to the next. I was going through a difficult period, and I just didn’t have the money to buy a plane ticket to come. I wish that I could have. I wish that I could have been there with you. I will always regret that I wasn’t there to hold your hand, and kiss your cheek one last time.

I miss you.

I hope that the next life blesses you with as much love as you had in this one.

2 Responses to “Dear Grandma”

  1. Dianne Tubbs on May 25th, 2009 at 2:38 am

    I know that was hard to write and I know that you must have been emotional. I think it is beautiful and I'm sure your Grandmother knew you loved her very very much. It made me cry to read it because I've lost so many people like that, especially my Dad. God bless you.

  2. Thank you.

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